I’m not fat…
I had just finished eating a really big meal. I hunched over and stuck my gut out as far as I could and asked my 4-year-old niece, ‘Kayla, am I fat?‘ I figure, kids can be so cruel — why would she lie? She looked at me so sweetly and said ‘No… you’re short.‘ It really cracked me up.
Actually, it reminded me of a similar incident a few months ago with her older sister, Alyssa. Being that I’m short, all the kids enjoy standing next to me and pointing out how much taller they are than I am. (Those who have already grown past me have shifted to comparing their shoe sizes with mine.) Alyssa is still shorter than me — thank the Lord — but that doesn’t stop her from pointing out how close she’s getting.
‘Look Auntie Gemma, I’m almost up to your shoulder!‘
We applaud her although I’m really crying inside. Haha. As Kayla walks by, Alyssa says, ‘Let’s see how tall Kayla is compared to you!‘
Wonderful, I think to myself, this should make me feel better! Kayla stands right next to me and is about waist-high in comparison. She looks up at me and just shoots me the biggest smile ever. Big sister Alyssa then points out, ‘Look Auntie Gemma, she’s just under your roll.‘ Sigh. Kids — gotta love ‘em.
Check out my nephew Steven. He’s super talented. Haha.
Believe it or not.
Carol and I took the kids on a mini-adventure in San Francisco yesterday. None of us had ever been to the Ripley’s Believe It or Not museum, so we thought that’d be fun for the whole gang. First of all, that place is pretty darn expensive. Even after using our AAA discount, we were pushing about $100. Of course it didn’t help that most of the ‘kids’ we were with were over the age of thirteen, and technically charged as adults. We really thought we’d see more there. I mean, it was tons of fun, but I think that is totally credited to the company we were in. I think the kids would agree that Carol and I are the ‘funnest’.
I swear, she really needs to bring her kids to the city more often — they suffer from trauma every time we’re there! Just last week it was the movie theater and yesterday poor Alyssa got to witness the epitome of a crack addict. We’re standing in line to get our tickets for the museum when this bum comes walking by. He stops in front of this display just outside of the museum of a mechanical man climbing up and down a rope. He makes what almost looks like a chicken’s head with his hand and starts ‘pecking’ at the display screaming “Pah! Pah! Pah!” The rest of us are mildly amused, but when I turn to Alyssa, she looks terrified.
‘What’s wrong with him, Auntie Gemma?‘
In a joint effort with the rest of the kids, we convince her that whatever was wrong with him was his own fault.
At the end of the tour, Carol and the kids take the stroller through the wheelchair-accessible exit while Aaron, Allison, and I head through this revolving door exit that looked like every revolving door I recall seeing at all the zoos I’ve been to in my life. Hopefully you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, we walk down a staircase and through a door that led outside. Aaron and Allison tug on my arm and say, ‘Auntie Gemma, did you see that?‘
Apparently, this guy in his late 30s, along with some girl around the same age, and a child grabbed the door as we were exiting and basically snuck into the museum. I remember seeing them standing by the door as we were leaving, but didn’t see them actually make their move. When the kids told me, I was pretty disgusted! What kind of ADULT does that?!?!
We gather with Carol and the rest of the gang, fill them in on what was going on, and headed on our way. As we walked past the door again, we realized that those people had exited and were following directly behind us. Immediately, the kids begin to whisper. ‘That’s them!… wow, they got kicked out fast!… that’s so moded!‘ For a split-second, I’m embarrassed at how loud the kids were being, but then it hits me and I started laughing pretty obnoxiously.
‘What’s so funny, Auntie Gemma?‘
Ha. The revolving door only went one way!!! So funny. Believe it?… Or not???
Last note for today — here’s a little evidence that Allison has learned a lot from her beloved Auntie:
Bowling.
The concept of Valentine’s Day was very complicated this year. There were too many ‘cooks in the kitchen’ so to speak, and I decided that I wasn’t going to give this day to any person who I felt would misinterpret it for something — how do I say — special. My brother had class last night, so Carol and I took the kids bowling. Frankly, it was a great choice on my end.
We packed all the kids in the van and headed to the bowling alley. As we entered the parking lot, I noticed Carol was turning into a one way lane where there was a car driving towards us.
‘Car, you’re going the wrong way.‘
No response. So I repeat,
‘Car, you’re going the wrong way.‘
Carol finally responds,
‘Who, me?‘
Duh.
‘Of course, you!‘
She looks me straight in the face and says,
‘I’m the VAN — that’s the CAR!‘
Everyone (but Carol) starts cracking up. Umm, Car is Carol’s nickname… always has been! So funny.
Once we got inside, the first thing I noticed was a long table of food, set up buffet style. There was rice, adobo, lumpia, pancit, chips & salsa, and pink decorated cupcakes — your typical Daly City bowling alley, I guess. Well, minus the cupcakes. The kids ran straight to the arcade as though we didn’t physically pry them off the Wii an hour earlier. My nephew Steven jumps into one of those car-racing games and I’m watching him ‘drive’ just cringing because he recently got his driver’s license and I had let him borrow my car a few weeks ago. It sort of freaked me out, yet here I am at their house while he is out and about with my car on a Friday night. Sigh. Luckily, he’s going to church. I think.
We’d been hanging with the kids for the majority of the afternoon today. I swear, the conversations that take place when they don’t think we’re listening are so entertaining. We had Aaron (the 14-year-old artist), Allison (the 13-year-old pro “funky-fresh” athlete), Timmy (the 12-year-old video game master), Alyssa (the 7-year-old mini-ME), and Kayla (the 4-year-old polite police).
We were craving the best generic taco meat ever, so we headed to the Sizzler. First off, Allison went to get some soup. What better to go with her soup than some bread and butter, so she went back to get some? She returns to the table staring strangely at my plate. I watched her run back to the buffet and come back with butter — yellow butter this time. Apparently, she initially tried to butter her bread with whipped cream.
Shortly after, Timmy, Allison, and I were standing over the Taco/Nacho bar. Allison asked, ‘Can you believe that the Zoey 101 show isn’t going to be canceled?‘ Timmy and I were both shocked — we both said, ‘But she’s pregnant!!!‘ So I asked, ‘So are they just going to make her character in the show pregnant, too?‘ Timmy had it all figured out, though. ‘No, Auntie Gemma. They’re just gonna make her character fat.’ Wow. That’d be awesome.
Little Miss Kayla has been learning a lot about politeness in school. For the last few weeks, no one has been able to say anything that could possibly be seen as ‘negative’. You can’t show her anger, annoyance, frustration, NOTHING. In the van, she randomly said, You guys, you can’t say ‘I like big butts and I cannot lie’!!
The longer I sit here and write, the more things I remember, but all good things must come to an end. Plus, I need to spend some quality time with my milk-carton boyfriend. (It’s an inside joke and I’m sure the only ones laughing are the kids who were standing around me as I was typing.)
My goal this week is to say to at least one person, Shut up your nose!
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