On Thursday night, I was watching my nieces and nephews for a few hours. After dinner, we were sitting around the table just talking when 4-year-old Kayla comes up to me.

"Auntie Gemma..."

"Yes, boo?"

"You hurt my feelings."

"I did?? When?"

"Before."

"When?"

"Before. That's why I went to the room and locked the door and was hiding there."

"You did? When?"

"Now."

"What did I do to hurt your feelings?"

"I don't know."

Well, as cute as it was at the time, I think I'm starting to feel the same way she might have been feeling that night. My feelings are hurt and, for the most part, I don't know exactly why. It's like I'm in an abusive relationship... minus the abusive relationship part.

(This post is dedicated a great friend of mine, John.)

During the last year of my last official relationship, I was pretty miserable. YES, the whole year. I was in a position where I just couldn't get myself out of it and I was there despite the fact that I clearly didn't want to be. It was convenient, it was safe, but most of all, it was obligatory. Or so it seemed, at least.

I had so many responsibilities when it came to him and now that I look back, I think it was a combination of the Virgo and workaholic in me that made me try to stick it out for that year. I don't like to quit. I don't like to fail. I don't like to let people down. Seriously, I dreaded the idea of "breaking up" with his family. I think everyone expected us to get married and the idea of letting down ALL those people... it was so much pressure. But in the end, the only person who I really let down was myself.

The timing also seemed off. I would have called it quits in February, but it was his birthday. Then March came along, but we'd made plans for Las Vegas in June. Then July came and it was his mom's birthday... etc... etc. I'd made excuse after excuse. I'd let all this time pass where I'd already fallen out of love with him simply because I couldn't accurately evaluate the short-term versus long-term benefits. And in the end, a whole year -- a whole miserable year -- had flown by. Wasted.

I've been in situations like this more times than I'm happy to admit. It's like an abusive relationship in so many ways. One, you know you're not happy there. Two, you question yourself, your motives, and then come up with ways to "prove" that your partner is trying. Then three, you convince yourself that you're being selfish by seeking your own happiness and you stay there. Then the vicious cycle goes on and on.

This cycle does not only apply with intimate relationships. With me personally, I've felt it in my journey to finish college. I've felt it in the workplace. I've felt it with my spiritual life. You name it, I've turned it into an abusive relationship. I guess I'm a sucker for inflicting pain on myself.

I need to start pursuing those things in life that will make me a better and happier person. If I had a nickel for every time I'd told myself that it was my time to be selfish, I wouldn't have to be working a full-time job just to put myself through my last year of college. But the last few days have opened my eyes. I'm in more than one situation where I'm not 100% happy yet I stick around only because I'm afraid of letting people down. Yet when I step back and really look at the relationships that may be affected, the ones that matter -- or seem to matter -- should be able to survive if the relationship is worth saving. Right? I mean, 2008 is the year that I focus on surrounding myself with people who will bring me up and not hold me down. It started off strong, but I'm slacking. I need to re-focus.

On a higher note, I've also rekindled a lot of friendships this year and for that, I am so thankful.

The trials you face are only as unbearable as your friends are unavailable. I wish every time I started to feel like this, I could run, hide, and lock the door.