Heartbreak or Heartburn.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have no idea what the heck I’m doing in my life. Well, love life anyway.
I know Cindy hates when I say this, so I apologize in advance, but I truly feel bi-polar these days. I’m literally hot then I’m cold, yes then I’m no, in then I’m out, up then I’m down. (Thanks, Katy Perry.) I’m in love one day and then giving up the next day. Please be assured that I’m just as annoyed with myself as I’m sure you are!!
There’s one thing I know: my exes sure did mess me up good. The last one was especially disappointing because despite my inability to completely trust a man under normal circumstances, we were such great friends so I figured we were equally invested in the relationship. I was so wrong. Now, as a result, I refuse to be wrong again and can’t seem to get myself to take the risk I need to take to see what the next level is.
It really breaks my heart to be so close yet so far. It really does. It hurts me that he’s absolutely right when he tells me I lack faith, though my lack of faith isn’t necessarily in him as a person (which he implies). I lack the faith that it will work because, frankly, my track record hasn’t been very good. How am I supposed to believe it will be different this time around?
A few months ago, a friend of mine was pouring his heart out to me and he was basically in the same situation as I currently am in, but get this — I was the person he was in love with. One of the things he said to me that really shook me up was, “Why won’t you give me a chance? You don’t risk losing anything. I’m the only one who has something to lose in this.” Is it ironic that I feel that that’s me now?
That’s really what I think it is. I feel like I have a lot more to risk losing if I take the plunge and, ultimately, I don’t think I can take another heartbreak in any way, shape, or form. I’m so scared of getting hurt again that the heartburn I’m putting myself through on a daily basis (sometimes hourly, I swear) is the safer bet.
I’d rather be bi-polar in love than broken. Sigh.
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