The Ex-Factor.
We’ve all been guilty at one point or another in our lives where our current relationship suffers on account of what happened with our last relationship — it’s what I like to call the ex-factor.
I’d be lying if I said that my current “thing” doesn’t suffer from the ex-factor. In fact, I can already hear the sarcastic smirks and snarls that he’d be making if I attempted to deny it. But it’s okay because I admit it and because I know he’s obnoxious only because he’s sooooooooooo in “like” with me. ;)
My last relationship was one of the worst — if not THE worst — relationships in my history of relationships. Mutual friends may be reading this and thinking, “That’s got to be an exaggeration. You guys were so happy.” HA! Well, Let me say that I’m not denying that I was happy at one point, but mostly in the beginning. Big surprise, right?
By the time we made it official, I’d known him and had been casually seeing him for four years. (I was big on “open relationships” in high school. What can I say — I had a lot of energy.) There was a point where we’d stopped talking for a little over a year. It had something to do with my pager. That’s all I remember.
During that time, we’d both become emotionally (but still casually) involved with other people who, in the end, had somehow bruised our pride/ego. (Mine was the one I refer to as Kryptonite and boy did he hurt my pride!) As a result, we both thought we’d changed and wanted different things, and it was convenient for us to have those things with each other. After all, we were such good friends and knew each other so well. Plus, there was some comfort in knowing that your partner cared about you enough as a person and friend to ever hurt you.
We were wrong. Correction — I was wrong — but we’ll get into that later.
As a couple, we were wrong in so many ways. I was the academic. He was not. I had a good (corporate) job. He promoted club parties and was a DJ. All sorts of differences, but it really didn’t matter in the beginning. We felt something and we went with it.
After the second year, there were things that I just couldn’t get past.
- He was concerned about the perception of what he felt about me. In other words, only people close to us knew and saw how he really felt. After all, he had a reputation to uphold. I was too understanding about that.
- He had a lot of expectations of me, but few from me. I did A LOT for him which he recently thanked me for. Unfortunately, after the relationship ended, I honestly felt like I didn’t lose anything. With him gone from my life after a total of almost eight years together, nothing felt lacking.
- He was a compulsive liar. He would argue that statement, but it was true. He was infamous for lying by omission. This was ultimately the reason I cut him off. He didn’t lie to me, but forgot to tell me he’d also been seeing another girl (his current girlfriend) for the last year of our relationship. Oh, wait. I did confront him more than once, so I guess it wasn’t lying by omission after all — just plain lying. It explains why he’d be a good salesman and I used to tell him that all the time.
- He wanted a certain kind of attention — he needed to be needed. He wanted to be ‘jocked’ for lack of a better word. I’m very independent and he hated that I didn’t “need” him. He knew he could walk out and I’d pick up right where I left off. We’d fight and I’d never be the first to call back, etc. (Yes, I’m a bit of a b_tch.) Additionally, you have to know me to know that I’m usually not big on PDAs — with the exception of my current ‘favorite guy’. I also don’t tell you how I feel — I show you. He didn’t like that. He wanted me to WANT to be all over him and around him all the time, but only so that he could feel manly and tell people “She’s clingy” or “She’s too into me” and “Yeah, dude, she loves me and wants to marry me, but you know how it is… I’m just not sure about her…” like he does with his current girlfriend. PLEASE. Not me, believe that.
I could go on and on, but I won’t. I felt like this for the last two years of our relationship and I was absolutely miserable. My nearest and dearest friends knew I was unhappy, but I continued to put him above all else and every time I considered ending it, I’d worry about HIM. Who would do his homework and write his papers for him? How would his parents respond to me leaving? Who would remind him about all his responsibilities and upcoming events? Blah, blah, blah. Then there was the timing. “I can’t leave because his mom’s birthday is next week… then we’ve got that trip to Chicago… then it’s so-and-so’s wedding… then…” So I dragged it out another two years before, like a gift from God, I find out he was with someone else.
Ironically, he did EXACTLY to me what he did to the girl before me, but because of our friendship and closeness, I never imagined he’d have the balls to do that to me. Plus, he had it SO GOOD — I did EVERYTHING for him. But there was no thinking twice about anything. I was gone and have not seen him since the day I found out. Haven’t missed him one day since either. Kind of sad to think of it that way after all those years, but it’s the honest truth.
The worst part is that it’s really messed me up. (Favorite Guy can attest to that.) I’d been with liars and cheaters before, but all of whom I expected that treatment from. And now, I have the hardest part trusting people who swear up and down that they’re looking out for your best interests. He certainly swore it and believe me, my best interests were the last thing he ever cared about.
Image via Olivier GR’s Flickr photostream
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I hope the ex-factor does not blow it for you with any others or favorite guy.
My biggest advice is to let go of ex-factor and until favorite guy gives you reason not trust him then you need to invest in the relationship if you want to and quit using the ex-factor as a reason for not trusting. I know this is hard and scary but you need to do it for yourself and the relationship. You need to get your gut instincts back since the ex-factor took that away from you. Like, I said it is scary to put your heart on the line but necessary to make the relationship work.
Lastly, I have been married only once for over 20 years and my biggest advice is that sometimes in a relationship you have to ‘give’. You have to listen what the other person needs and if it isn’t going against anything you truly believe in or detrimental to you then sometimes you do it for the person you love. PERIOD. If a person asks something of you that you are not willing to do then get out of the relationship because it will eventually fail. That person has told you what they need and eventually they will resent it if they don’t get it.
I so hope it works out for you and that the ex-factor has not blown things for you! That guy sounds like he needs therapy but liars are next to impossible to deal with.
Good Luck!!!
Hmmmm… Your EX sounds an EX of mine. Fortunately, I’ve had some time to get over him, but I still digress to those who will listen.
But good for you that you found someone to make you happy. I wish you all the luck!
My worry here is that _accepting_ the ex-factor leads you to that old saw: “all men are alike”. It’s better if you use your experiences with your exes to determine how you’ll deal with the future, not how you’ll judge the present.
If Fave Dude is going to have a real chance, he has to start with a clean rap sheet.
Whew.. I got worried for a minute when you were talking about how different you and your ex were. Because Josh and I are totally different. But when I read the real reasons you broke up, I felt better, because we don’t have THOSE problems.
I know what you mean about not breaking up with a guy in order to protect his feelings. I dragged my last relationship out over a year too long because of that, too.
The thing about exes is that they are the past and what was the past is all in your mind now. You’re the only one digging it up and nobody else. And the best part of the past—it can teach you something or it can just push you back and leave you stuck on it.
Been there , done that so I am very grateful I let go of the past and had never regretted it. The only thing I regret, is that I spent so much time loving the wrong person. But somehow the experience refined me.
Gem, every good or bad thing in your past is up to you to make it what you want it to be.Just because you didn’t trust a person before or someone broke your trust, does not mean every person you meet in the world can’t be trusted.
Think of it as a lesson, but not as “standard” or “guideline” because you might end up missing the best part.
In a relationship, there is always a risk. You give and you’re not sure if it’s gonna give back. But the most important thing is , you give. Broken trust and broken hearts don’t mean your heart is going to stop and trust can never be found.
Live, love and learn. You have to go on and be the person you always are.
Hi Gem, I have a tag for you at my site. Here’s the direct link for that tag.http://www.ilovehateamerica.com/a_filipino_immigrants_lov/2009/04/smart-blogger-goes-international.html
Hey girl! You’ve been kinda quiet for the last few weeks. Where are you?
By the way, I have something for you at my blog. Come check it out!
Hey you, I have been outta the blogging world for about a month now, and I see that you are missing too. I hope all is going well with you, and I have a present for you over on my blog :)
OOPS, I’ve been missing, but I’m back. :)
@Lucy: I will be the first to admit that the ex-factor certainly has affected my relationship with Favorite Guy, but he is so patient with me and knows I’m working on it… and hopefully I get this all straightened out sooner than later. I’m sure he won’t wait around forever.
@BIBI: Oh yes, I’m definitely over him. He helped remind me that intuition and paranoia are two different things. I’ll check out what you’ve got on your blog, too. Sorry, I’ve been waaaaay behind on my reading!
@Michael W: You’re absolutely right. I’m trying hard not to hold my past against Favorite Guy, but there are efforts that he needs to make (and has been making) to reassure me that I need not worry and that things will be okay. Definitely needs to keep a clean rap sheet!
@Michelle: Yeah, there’s nothing wrong with different interests so long as you want the same thing in the relationship. That was clearly the issue with my ex!
@bingkee: I hear ya. Believe me, I try to bring these walls down, but it’s tough. And I’ll check out what you’ve got on your site — thanks!
@Tina: Glad you’re back, too! I’ll check out the site and see what I’ve missed out on!