Flashback: 1998
I’ve done quite a bit of cleaning in the last few weeks. (Yes, Lucy, you would be very impressed!) One of the many things I conquered were old papers and files and, in doing so, I found a lot of old schoolwork. You know, old homework assignments, notes, tests, papers, etc.
I found a paper that I’d written that made me cry — and no, not because I’m some amazing writer. I’m certainly not. I cried because of the memory of someone very special to me.
It was January of 1998, only the second day of a brand new year, and I had no idea that this day would change the rest of my life. When night began to fall, the telephone rang beside my bed and I reached over to answer it, not knowing the terrible news awaiting me. My boyfriend Jelani was in the hospital after being shot in the back of the head.
I was only 17-years-old — a senior in high school excited to be graduating in June of that year. Jelani was only 20-years-old with hundreds of aspirations and goals yet accomplished. When he was pronounced dead later that night, I realized the value of two very important things: life and time.
It was at this point when I realized how so many things in my life were unknowingly being taken for granted. In school, I was beginning to fall behind as my graduation date was nearing. My friends and family were suffering from neglect as I spent more and more time with Jelani. My future was stepping away from my desired path as college application deadline dates passed me by. Jelani’s death was not only painful because I had lost someone I really cared about, but it made me realize how short life may be and how little time we may have left.
Although grieving, Jelani’s death was very motivating. I knew I could no longer waste my time letting life pass me by. I had goals, I knew where I wanted to go, I knew what I wanted to be. But I had to start immediately and I had to start quickly. I realized that my future wasn’t going to start “later”, but it would start within days, hours, minutes, and even seconds. It became clear to me that everything I choose to put off until tomorrow will already be a day late. Sometimes I wish I knew how much time I really have left, but it’s impossible. I can only make the efforts and take the initiative to use whatever time I have left wisely and efficiently.
With Jelani’s passing, I was forced to grow up a little more. I had to focus on the goals I had set for myself. I had to live the life ahead of me — long or short — to the fullest and without regrets. I was living life so carelessly, demeaning its value and its potential.
Losing Jelani proved that death can come at any time. How and when I die, I can’t control. But what I’m doing with my life before I die will live on when I am gone. I don’t want to be remembered as having lived a stagnant and immobile life with no direction. I want to always be moving, heading in some direction, focusing on a goal that I have set for myself. Knowing that my life was headed somewhere good would establish a satisfaction in my heart that even death couldn’t take away.
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