Month: September 2016

“let me in and let me go so i can roam around this wilderness… see it for what it really is, unprepared and filterless”

 

after my last relationship ended, i had a few old doors reopen. pandora has always had a way of finding me with that box of hers.

this particular door was a big one. he was my first real relationship. yet he was also my first toxic and abusive relationship.

we were really young. and stupid. so to have crossed paths with him again 12 years later… it was offbeat, but i was curious.

it’s no surprise that rekindling anything romantic with someone linked to many terrifying recollections didn’t work out real well. but we managed to try being friends, and it wasn’t bad. he no longer was the monster i’d filed him away in my memory as.

but last night, he once again reminded me (not physically) why he was a part of my past. and more importantly, that he didn’t belong anywhere in my life except for in my past.

when old doors reopen, it doesn’t have to mean it’s intended to stay open. maybe it just means you need to do a better job at closing it this time around.

that one’s a wrap. again.

“i’m tryna get my felt pen on but the block is hot”

 

on one of my earliest blogs (think on geocities or xanga), i always titled my entries with a lyric from a song.

and i’m bringing that back.

it came during the time i was coming out of my very destructive and toxic high school relationship. i was in therapy and my therapist encouraged that i write it out because i couldn’t seem to verbalize it all. i was angry and i was a mess.

but it helped to write with music and to let the lyrics motivate what my mind couldn’t.

i realized that, in typical virgo style, i’m very much a start-to-finish type of writer now. i start with a title. and i build from there. or i try to.

during dad’s cancer journey and, ultimately, his passing, my titles were the numbers of days since his diagnosis. i mean, it was hard to come up with anything more inspirational than that at the time.

but now, almost 3 years later, i’m lucky if i can even come up with a title, much less any content that somehow has anything to do with it. so i stopped trying. i stopped writing altogether.

i realize my thoughts are everywhere.
my thoughts are about everything.
my thoughts are focused on everyone.

so i’m bringing back the lyrics. it may or may not mean anything to anyone, but that’s fine by me.

it ain’t about y’all this time.