i just spent three hours on the phone with… my past.
exhausting as ever. but good… and, i think, necessary.
and it’s finally all over.
he was the one who asked for this last coversation.
“one last chance to say it all…”
surprisingly, he spent a majority of the time apologizing. for everything. and it was pretty emotional for me because he’d never said sorry before.
in over twenty years. not once. not in front of his parents, police, or even during our court-ordered therapy.
he said he was sorry that he ever laid hands on me.
he said he was sorry for every time he hurt me in ways that were not just physical.
he said he was sorry for every time he made me feel like he didn’t love me as much as he did. and that he did… love me.
he said he was sorry that i hated him.
he said he was sorry if how he treated me shaped my opinions of love and relationships.
then we spent a lot of time talking about the last two years.
why it was good… why it was bad.
why i couldn’t let the past go.
but why i was still glad we had reconnected.
and yet why i… why we… still think we need to close this chapter. completely.
we both have an opportunity to start our lives fresh.
and with no hard feelings. no uncertainties. no unsettled feelings.
and i need that desperately. not just from him.