Month: December 2016

“so what, we get drunk… so what, we smoke weed… we’re just having fun, we don’t care who sees”

 

this time of year is usually my favorite—like, i start planning our family christmas parties in the summer.

but it wasn’t the same this year. nothing was the same this year.

and still, i’m excited about 2017. i’m ready for 2017.

the truth is, i’m just barely getting through these holidays…

nowhere i am is where i wanna be.
no one i’m with is who i wanna be around.
none of the things i normally enjoy are what i want to do.

but i’m counting down the hours—it’s almost over.

and a new year awaits. one that i’m looking forward to.

“in the morning when i wake, and the sun is coming through… oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness, and you fill my head with you”

 

…can i be close to you?

my best friend lost his dad today. it was an emotional day—it’s been an emotional three weeks for their little family… my little (friends turned) family.

it’s a bit of a foreign concept to me that their family really only consists of the four of themmy best friend, his parents, and his daughter. when my dad was in the hospice during his final days, we had about 40 relatives in his room at any given time. it was always so loud. it was always so busy.

and spending these last three weeks with my friend and his little family has been generally quiet. intimate. peaceful. and beautiful.

we gathered tonight with a handful of close friends and neighbors at their house to show our support and pay our respects. his mom talked about how they don’t have family nearby… and told us all that we were their family and that was good enough.

that thought sat with me for the rest of the nighti have a huge family. like HUGE. but it’s amazing how even in the crowd of a large family, i can still feel so alone. i can still feel like i have no one.

it’s been an emotional three weeks—it’s been an emotional three years. but i’ve learned that family has very little to do with who you share blood with, but who you share life with.

and as we get closer to welcoming a (long-awaited) new year, i hope i learn to invest more in people who invest back in me.

to love on the people who love on me.

to spend time with the people who spend time with me.

and to be family to those who are family to me.

rest in peace, tito jun. you will be truly missed.

“you’re bad and you’re broken too, but i love that shit… just be open to the possibility of me and you, that’s all i ask… i’ve had the hoes, i’ve got the cash, now i want you”

 

i’ve had multiple conversations with girlfriends in the last few weeks on the same topic—monogamy.

i don’t believe monogamy is natural. and i’ve felt that way since high school.

i’ve always believed—even when completely virgin(ish) and inexperienced—that we were biologically and naturally created to be sexual… basically, to be reproductive. i also considered the animal kingdom and how monogamy and the idea of “mating for life” is rare across all types of species.

“but we’re not animals, gemma”

i know, i know. but my point is that the fundamental concept of monogamy relies on a universal biological characteristic that we have no control over. if we, as humans, lived “in the wild” without all rules and bureaucracy, i think our sexual natures would fall more in line with what we see in the animal world.

“so you’re okay with no loyalty in your relationships?”

of course i want loyalty when i’m in a relationship. i also am very loyal partner myself… when i’m in a relationship.

in my opinion, how i feel about monogamy doesn’t directly affect my ability or desire to be in a relationship. i don’t think they have to go hand-in-hand.

(and this is about where i lost my girlfriends. ha.)

here are my thoughts on monogamy and how it plays out in relationships:

  1. natural desire vs choice: i think, by nature, humans are not built to be monogamous. but that doesn’t mean i don’t believe in commitment. i just think commitment is a conscious choice we make. it’s not something our body decides for us—it boils down to these desires coming from different parts of us. heart vs mind, mind vs body, whatever you want to call it. you choose to be committed. you choose to stay committed.
  2. sex vs love: the sooner we can all get behind the idea that sex is not love, the sooner maury povich will be out of a job. sex is a beautiful and wonderful thing. love, too. but both can live without the other, so yes, it is possible to love someone and have sex with someone else, just as much as it’s possible to have sex with someone you don’t love.
  3. non-monogamy vs infidelity: don’t assume people who don’t believe in monogamy are “cheaters“. i think it’s important (and responsible) to be honest with your partner(s) about your… extracurriculars.
  4. non-monogamy vs promiscuity: not believing in monogamy doesn’t mean i’m out bangin‘ anyone and everyone. i can be (and have been) involved with only one person while still believing that monogamy is unnatural.

that’s all.