Month: February 2017

“smoking cuz it’s therapeutic, drinking cuz it’s therapeutic… and since all eyes on me right now, watch how i do it”

 

i was sick all week, so i wasn’t as productive as i wanted to be, but i very much needed the rest. i’ve officially been sick more days in 2017 than healthy, and i am going to do my best to change that for the remainder of the year, starting now.

i’m also giving myself an extra week to take on these to-dos. since this week marks the third year since my dad passed away, i’m going to give myself time to mournreflectremember. he deserves that.

week four

  • clean pantry of expired items
  • go for a run?
  • move unused kitchen appliances to basement
  • clean ceiling fans
  • bake something paleo
  • label and organize 12″ singles & promo records
  • pick up at least 2 crates of records from storage

week five/six

  • clean pantry of expired items
  • go for a run?
  • move unused kitchen appliances to basement
  • clean ceiling fans
  • bake something paleo
  • pick up at least 2 crates of records from storage
  • find a new therapist

“i’m just trynna live as free as i can while i’m existing in this realm… i swear it’s hell until you break free, but imma break the boundaries before the boundaries ever break me”

 

wasn’t feeling much like writing today, but i realized i owed myself a post on this week’s to-dos. last week was a bit out of sorts because, while i didn’t get to cross off a lot of the items on my list, i crossed off quite a few that would have been on the list this week and next. so, i’m not gonna beat myself up for it.

week three

  • clean pantry of expired items
  • go for a run?
  • move unused kitchen appliances to basement
  • pack a box for salvation army
  • clean ceiling fans
  • bake something paleo
  • file taxes

week four

  • clean pantry of expired items
  • go for a run?
  • move unused kitchen appliances to basement
  • clean ceiling fans
  • bake something paleo
  • label and organize 12″ singles & promo records
  • pick up at least 2 crates of records from storage

hoping i can snap out of whatever funk i’m in to take on this week’s list.

“despite her past, she can’t help the attraction… he tells her that he’s nothing like the last one… he redefines in every way what love is… she fell for him and hasn’t gotten up since”

 

on thursday i had a chance to see russ, a young rapper/singer i’ve been following for some time now. people who know me would probably think his style doesn’t really fit what i normally listen to. ironically, i’m in so deep with this kid that i couldn’t tell you the difference anymore.

in his track exposed, russ says “[artists’] fans are fickle cuz your come up is a mystery… my fans gon stick with me cuz me and them got history“. and at least for me, this is true.

this is the story of me and russ.

it was 2012 when i first listened to his vacation mixtape. it was a friday and i was with my dad at his chemo appointment. i streamed the album and was taken by the let me know track that samples from the isley brothers’ song of the same title.

to set the scene a bit better, i had just left my relationship of six years leaving behind a dog and car. i moved back in with my parents… in my thirties. my dad was just diagnosed with cancer. there was a lot going on.

but russ and i met somewhere in the middle. he had lyrics that were angry and beats and melodies that were… hopeful… optimistic. (i call his style rap&b now.) so i started listening more closely to his story every friday at chemo. and week after week, i knew him a little more than the last. and i felt like his words were often mine.

“god damn, lord
give me a sign
give me your words
give me your sight
give me your mind
cuz i’m feeling blind
deaf and dumb
my soul is on a leash
sayin please let me run.”
—russ, let me know.

ultimately, he made me feel like i wasn’t alone. everything i was feeling, he was somewhere feeling it, too. and so i was hooked. i’ve been listening to every new russ track and album since. because that’s what music is supposed to do, right? tell a story. bring people together. make you feel things.

but all things said and done, russ reminds me of my dad. he reminds me of my ex(es). he reminds me of pain as much as he reminds me of love. i’d had a chance to see him last year, and i was so excited about it. he was performing at venue oakland and i had my tickets already lined up. but it was just after father’s day and i was feeling… empty. i just couldn’t muster up the courage to be in the audience listening to track after track that reminded me of my dad. so i skipped it.

but the thing was that i also needed his music more than ever. he’d become my new “spring love” by stevie b, which used to be the one song i’d never skip. no matter what mood i was in, it always made me feel better.

2016 was a big year for me and russ—the things i experienced, the things i felt. the track on this post, losin control, was especially important to me… as i cut off guy after guy from my life in an effort to start fresh. to figure myself out. to understand what i wanted and what i needed to do to get there. but even beyond that, in the context of being hurt by just about anyone—friend, foe, family… betrayal in general. the song… was me. is me.

on thursday, russ put it all on stage. he told his story. he told my story. he made me feel good. as though his come up is my come up, too.

and i sure am counting on that.

“moving to the rhythm of my intuition, anything i want i speak into existence… that’s how i’m living, that’s how i’m winning”

 

i was having a conversation the other day with a friend about her dating life. she mentioned that she had read an article advising single women that, in order to find a man, they needed to make room in their lives for a man. literal room, not emotional room.

and then he would come.

as my friend continued updating me on her recent dating experiences, my thoughts wandered to the dozens (hundreds? more?) of women who may have read this article—written by a woman—and have emptied half their closets and dressers, upgraded from their full-size beds to queen or king-size beds, and moved all their beauty products to the left side of their double-sinks.

so that he would come.

how utterly depressing, i thought. i mean, the hypothesis on its own wasn’t a bad one in my opinion. i just think it’s much less literal and far more everything else. like hey, make room in your heart, mind, and soul first. then move on to your house, yeah?

and as i’m having these thoughts in my head—with my friend still talking, by the way—i realized that i’m just not in a place where i’m ready to make that kind of room… emotionally.

around this time last year, i’d made a decision to take a “break” from guys and dating to give myself the opportunity to figure out what i actually wanted from a partnership. because if my last 5 consecutive relationships were any indication, i clearly had no idea.

and a year later, though i still don’t think i know exactly what i want from a man, i have a much better idea of what i want from myself.

so imma keep doing me. because i like what i’m seeing, and that’s what matters.

on that note, here’s where last week’s to-dos landed and what i’ve got planned for this week:

week two

  • read a book (again)
  • start alphabetizing records
  • clean fridge/pantry of expired items
  • try a new recipe
  • go for a run?

week three

  • clean pantry of expired items
  • go for a run?
  • move unused kitchen appliances to basement
  • pack a box for salvation army
  • clean ceiling fans
  • bake something paleo
  • file taxes

“thinkin of my lonely days stuck in my room bawlin… rain on the window mirror, saw the tears i let go… my pride and all these scars inside… it’s time for me to let go”

 

for the curious minds, here’s how i did on last week’s “to-do” list as well as my rather optimistic choices for this coming week:

week one

  • bring pants to get altered
  • pack one box for salvation army
  • buy storage bins for basement
  • read a book

week two

  • read a book (again)
  • start alphabetizing records
  • clean fridge/pantry of expired items
  • try a new recipe
  • go for a run?

oh, also—i didn’t just read a book last week. i read three books last week. that’s what happens when you have as many doctor’s appointments (read: lots of waiting) in a week as i had. but that’s a story for a different day…

there was one other item i took on last week that i didn’t write down on my list—i took a break from social media.

just after the election, i managed to take a one month long “break” from social media (minus twitter because i felt like that audience was more… contained?) anyway, in the last couple of weeks, the political climate showed no improvement… no… hope? everything and everyone was so negative. drastically so. dramatically so. and it was just too much for me.

i started by unfollowing people, brands, and companies that were encouraging and spreading negativity, or who were showing an overwhelming vested interest in the art of not-making-things-better. as my poor fingers quickly became tired from all the unfollowing, i decided just to delete all the apps.

take. a. break.

it’s a simple sentiment—perhaps overly simplified—but one i think so many people would benefit from right now. there are people out there who are literally spending their days and nights creating memes about our unfortunate state of affairs. every morning a new article comes out, a new celebrity has an opinoin, another rapper releases a politically-charged single, another business is being dragged in the mud. and people, like little puppets, are just spreading filth and encouraging rage.

for example, there is someone out there who started a list of all the horrible decisions trump has made in the last 2+ weeks. broken down by day.

let that sink in for a minute—not that trump is out there making questionable decisions, but that people are spending their lives documenting the “horror”. DAILY. and then with one share, it goes viral. this has become the lives of many. SO MANY. living, breathing, and sleeping this. forgetting all else that matters.

and there are those things, you know. other things that matter. people have forgotten how to be productive—how to make a real difference. and maybe just start with your life. don’t try to get the world together… get yourself together.

conclusion: be like me. make a fucking to-do list, america.