I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday feeling really uneasy. I had enjoyed happy hour with my co-workers earlier that evening and then came home and had a late and heavy dinner… which isn’t a good combination for my “fragile” system anymore. (The 30s have been rough!)

I glanced at my phone and the red notifier was blinking. My niece Alyssa had been going through my blog and commenting on various posts. First of all, I *love* seeing comments from any of my nieces and nephews. They are the main reason I started blogging in the first place. Secondly, Alyssa said something that we’ve been dancing around for over a year now, but I think it’s time for me to address it.

My brother and sister-in-law (Alyssa’s mom) divorced last year after eighteen years of marriage. They had 3 kids together (Timmy, Alyssa, and Kayla) and each had 1 child from a previous relationship (Steven and Jacob). I will not go into the details of their divorce because frankly, it’s not anyone’s business and, more importantly, because I don’t like the flashbacks. But it was hard on a lot of people including my brother and the kids… and me. His wife and I were really close when everything fell apart. We spent every day together and she was like a sister/best friend to me — so much that I felt heartbroken as though I’d been divorced, too, but I tried very hard to put my pain aside to focus on how the kids were feeling. There were so many changes. I had spent so much time with these kids over the last few years that it was extremely difficult for me to see them hurt because it only contributed to my own sadness. Because of that and changes to everyone’s living arrangements, I have not been able to see the kids as often as I used to. In fact, I rarely see them.

Alyssa commented on one of my posts that she wishes things were “back to normal”. I cry as I type this because even with the 20 years between us, I wish the same thing she does. I really do.

At the end of the day, we can never go back to how things were before the divorce. Things don’t need to stay the way they are now, though, and I promise to be a better auntie.

In the meantime, Boo-Boo, we need to focus on all our good memories… and we have A LOT, right??!! I know you love my stories about all you kids, so I am going to try and post a memory about us every Monday so that we have something to smile and laugh about every week. And we’ll start making new memories so I don’t run out! To kick this off, today my greatest memory of Alyssa is THIS MOMENT and how much love lives in her. I could stay in this moment forever!

Things may never go back to how they used to be, but we can make it better in a different way. I love you, Alyssa. Always remember that.