Balances.
in life
one is always
balancing
like we juggle our mothers
against our fathers
or one teacher
against another
(only to balance our grade average)
3 grains of salt
to one ounce truth
our sweet black essence
or the funky honkies down the street
and lately i’ve begun wondering
if you’re trying to tell me something
we used to talk all night
and do things alone together
and i’ve begun
(as a reaction to a feeling)
to balance
the pleasure of loneliness
against the pain
of loving you
by Nikki Giovanni
Read MoreSimplifying.
Why howdy there, folks. I know — it’s been a bajillion years since my last post, but you know what they say. Life happens.
The last few months have felt like a whirlwind. No, wait. A hurricane. There’s been disappointment, court orders, illness, infidelity, car accidents, heartbreak, moving, fighting, divorce, emergency rooms, surgeries, cutbacks, dropouts, and more. Not the best months of my life by far.
Amidst everything, specifically in the last few weeks, I’ve discovered that I’ve spent too much time investing in the complexity of it all. I’ve decided to step back, see things for what they are, stop trying to understand or change what is inevitable, and move forward.
I’m simplifying things. “It’s not easy, but it is simple.” — House.
Read MoreYou’re SIX!!
I remember how stoked I was to have another baby coming into the family. With Alyssa already 3-years-old, walking, and talking, I was missing the tiny hands, tiny feet, and that baby smell that Auntie Gemma just adores. With five nephews (and two tomboys) under my belt by that time, I had no idea that a princess was about to be born… nor did I know that I would fall deeply in love with you!
You were born on the first day of Summer in 2003, hence your name. From the moment you came into this world, you were absolutely gorgeous. You were this half-Filipino, half-English, fully lovable bombshell and you knew it. People drooled (sometimes even slobbered) over you. Everyone wanted to hold you, kiss you, and make you smile! Oh, that irresistible smile!
Of all the kids, you were the one who fell in love with me just as quickly as I fell in love with you. As a baby, I don’t even recall you ever really crying when I’d kidnap you from your parents for a little while. In fact, I remember a few times when you cried when you had to leave me! For someone who calls herself the world’s greatest auntie, you sure do know how to boost my ego. And at six years old, you still love your little old Auntie Gemma. Funny how things change as you get older — now you’re the one always making ME smile!
I’ll never forget (nor understand) why the easiest way to put you to bed was to turn on the vacuum. I will never stop telling people how you have the best “bed head” I’ve ever seen in my life. I love that you’re such a little fashionista and immediately want to wear everything I buy you. Even more, I love that you compliment my boots, outfit, purse, or earrings every single time you see me. You have this way of making me feel beautiful even on days that I feel beyond fat and ugly.
I love that you call soy sauce “silly sauce” and that the Filipino in you has no problem just having it with rice on a regular basis. I love that you cry every single time that you and Kayla have to say goodbye — it reminds me of a relationship I once had with one of my cousins. I love that you love Snickerdoodles like me and I especially love that you like to eat the outer part of the cookie and give me the inner part. (One day you’ll realize that the center part is the softest and most delicious, but until then, I will gladly continue to eat the centers of your Snickerdoodles!) I love that you’re not shy — you’re the easiest to bring around my friends! Although, there was that one time at Six Flags Marine World where you randomly went up to this couple and asked them for some popcorn. Haha! Thankfully Auntie Gemma always watches you closely. :)
I love that you’re courageous and social, like me. You make friends quickly and you’re not scared to go down waterslides by yourself. You’ve got just enough tomboy in you for a six-year-old — enough to try and wrestle with your brother Anthony.
But ultimately, you’re my girly girl. You like to do your nails, fix your hair, and make sure all your clothes match. You love Barbies and playing dress-up. You even planned a wedding and made sure I got an invitation.
I love you, babygirl. Happy, happy birthday!
Read MoreNot A Laughing Matter.
…but how could I resist?
I saw this post by Elizabeth and had to share with everyone.
Pardon the vulgar language. Not my choice of phrasing, but I can’t say it’d have the same effect if it were censored.
The Ex-Factor.
We’ve all been guilty at one point or another in our lives where our current relationship suffers on account of what happened with our last relationship — it’s what I like to call the ex-factor.
I’d be lying if I said that my current “thing” doesn’t suffer from the ex-factor. In fact, I can already hear the sarcastic smirks and snarls that he’d be making if I attempted to deny it. But it’s okay because I admit it and because I know he’s obnoxious only because he’s sooooooooooo in “like” with me. ;)
My last relationship was one of the worst — if not THE worst — relationships in my history of relationships. Mutual friends may be reading this and thinking, “That’s got to be an exaggeration. You guys were so happy.” HA! Well, Let me say that I’m not denying that I was happy at one point, but mostly in the beginning. Big surprise, right?
By the time we made it official, I’d known him and had been casually seeing him for four years. (I was big on “open relationships” in high school. What can I say — I had a lot of energy.) There was a point where we’d stopped talking for a little over a year. It had something to do with my pager. That’s all I remember.
During that time, we’d both become emotionally (but still casually) involved with other people who, in the end, had somehow bruised our pride/ego. (Mine was the one I refer to as Kryptonite and boy did he hurt my pride!) As a result, we both thought we’d changed and wanted different things, and it was convenient for us to have those things with each other. After all, we were such good friends and knew each other so well. Plus, there was some comfort in knowing that your partner cared about you enough as a person and friend to ever hurt you.
We were wrong. Correction — I was wrong — but we’ll get into that later.
As a couple, we were wrong in so many ways. I was the academic. He was not. I had a good (corporate) job. He promoted club parties and was a DJ. All sorts of differences, but it really didn’t matter in the beginning. We felt something and we went with it.
After the second year, there were things that I just couldn’t get past.
- He was concerned about the perception of what he felt about me. In other words, only people close to us knew and saw how he really felt. After all, he had a reputation to uphold. I was too understanding about that.
- He had a lot of expectations of me, but few from me. I did A LOT for him which he recently thanked me for. Unfortunately, after the relationship ended, I honestly felt like I didn’t lose anything. With him gone from my life after a total of almost eight years together, nothing felt lacking.
- He was a compulsive liar. He would argue that statement, but it was true. He was infamous for lying by omission. This was ultimately the reason I cut him off. He didn’t lie to me, but forgot to tell me he’d also been seeing another girl (his current girlfriend) for the last year of our relationship. Oh, wait. I did confront him more than once, so I guess it wasn’t lying by omission after all — just plain lying. It explains why he’d be a good salesman and I used to tell him that all the time.
- He wanted a certain kind of attention — he needed to be needed. He wanted to be ‘jocked’ for lack of a better word. I’m very independent and he hated that I didn’t “need” him. He knew he could walk out and I’d pick up right where I left off. We’d fight and I’d never be the first to call back, etc. (Yes, I’m a bit of a b_tch.) Additionally, you have to know me to know that I’m usually not big on PDAs — with the exception of my current ‘favorite guy’. I also don’t tell you how I feel — I show you. He didn’t like that. He wanted me to WANT to be all over him and around him all the time, but only so that he could feel manly and tell people “She’s clingy” or “She’s too into me” and “Yeah, dude, she loves me and wants to marry me, but you know how it is… I’m just not sure about her…” like he does with his current girlfriend. PLEASE. Not me, believe that.
I could go on and on, but I won’t. I felt like this for the last two years of our relationship and I was absolutely miserable. My nearest and dearest friends knew I was unhappy, but I continued to put him above all else and every time I considered ending it, I’d worry about HIM. Who would do his homework and write his papers for him? How would his parents respond to me leaving? Who would remind him about all his responsibilities and upcoming events? Blah, blah, blah. Then there was the timing. “I can’t leave because his mom’s birthday is next week… then we’ve got that trip to Chicago… then it’s so-and-so’s wedding… then…” So I dragged it out another two years before, like a gift from God, I find out he was with someone else.
Ironically, he did EXACTLY to me what he did to the girl before me, but because of our friendship and closeness, I never imagined he’d have the balls to do that to me. Plus, he had it SO GOOD — I did EVERYTHING for him. But there was no thinking twice about anything. I was gone and have not seen him since the day I found out. Haven’t missed him one day since either. Kind of sad to think of it that way after all those years, but it’s the honest truth.
The worst part is that it’s really messed me up. (Favorite Guy can attest to that.) I’d been with liars and cheaters before, but all of whom I expected that treatment from. And now, I have the hardest part trusting people who swear up and down that they’re looking out for your best interests. He certainly swore it and believe me, my best interests were the last thing he ever cared about.
Image via Olivier GR’s Flickr photostream
Read MoreHappy Birthday, Mini-Me.
Today marks the ninth birthday of my niece, Alyssa.
Out of all my nieces and nephews combined, she is the one that reminds me the most of me — both when I was a child and even now as an adult — and for many reasons.
She’s the tomboy with older brothers who have every desire to prove she’s not a tomboy at all… and that is me.
She’s the tough girl who rarely cries, but who loves wholeheartedly and can be easily hurt without wanting to show it… and that is me.
If you make her cry, she’ll conveniently go to the bathroom or to her bedroom to hide so no one knows… and that is me.
She’s very loyal and dedicated to her friends (the M.A.M.A. crew)… and that is me.
She loves weird food combinations… and that is me.
She always thinks of others (particularly her baby sister) before herself… and that is me.
She’s smart and gets good grades… and that is me.
She thinks boys are gross… and that was me. ;)
I could go on and on, seriously. I see more and more of me in her every day and it makes me smile and worry at the same time. I wish I could make sure she doesn’t inherit my faults, but I realize we all have had to learn on our own.
I love you, Alyssa. You are an amazing kid and you are growing up so fast. While it makes me feel old to see you growing up, I am so happy and so proud of the person you are becoming. Always remain true to yourself and always stand up for what you feel is right deep down inside your heart. You have great instincts and a sincere heart — never question these things.
“Let no one make little of you because you are young, but be an example to the church in word, in behavior, in love, in faith, in holy living.” 1 Timothy 4:12
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