Tag: bj the chicago kid

“thinkin of my lonely days stuck in my room bawlin… rain on the window mirror, saw the tears i let go… my pride and all these scars inside… it’s time for me to let go”

 

for the curious minds, here’s how i did on last week’s “to-do” list as well as my rather optimistic choices for this coming week:

week one

  • bring pants to get altered
  • pack one box for salvation army
  • buy storage bins for basement
  • read a book

week two

  • read a book (again)
  • start alphabetizing records
  • clean fridge/pantry of expired items
  • try a new recipe
  • go for a run?

oh, also—i didn’t just read a book last week. i read three books last week. that’s what happens when you have as many doctor’s appointments (read: lots of waiting) in a week as i had. but that’s a story for a different day…

there was one other item i took on last week that i didn’t write down on my list—i took a break from social media.

just after the election, i managed to take a one month long “break” from social media (minus twitter because i felt like that audience was more… contained?) anyway, in the last couple of weeks, the political climate showed no improvement… no… hope? everything and everyone was so negative. drastically so. dramatically so. and it was just too much for me.

i started by unfollowing people, brands, and companies that were encouraging and spreading negativity, or who were showing an overwhelming vested interest in the art of not-making-things-better. as my poor fingers quickly became tired from all the unfollowing, i decided just to delete all the apps.

take. a. break.

it’s a simple sentiment—perhaps overly simplified—but one i think so many people would benefit from right now. there are people out there who are literally spending their days and nights creating memes about our unfortunate state of affairs. every morning a new article comes out, a new celebrity has an opinoin, another rapper releases a politically-charged single, another business is being dragged in the mud. and people, like little puppets, are just spreading filth and encouraging rage.

for example, there is someone out there who started a list of all the horrible decisions trump has made in the last 2+ weeks. broken down by day.

let that sink in for a minute—not that trump is out there making questionable decisions, but that people are spending their lives documenting the “horror”. DAILY. and then with one share, it goes viral. this has become the lives of many. SO MANY. living, breathing, and sleeping this. forgetting all else that matters.

and there are those things, you know. other things that matter. people have forgotten how to be productive—how to make a real difference. and maybe just start with your life. don’t try to get the world together… get yourself together.

conclusion: be like me. make a fucking to-do list, america.

“sometimes it gets too much… a lot of everything, but no love… just too much… that’s how two hearts crush”

my timehop app reminded me today that the ex and i met on this day ten years ago. my co-worker (and close friend) responded, “and your credit has never been the same since!”

it was the funniest—yet realest—shit i’d heard in a long time. 100% on point.

deep down, though, it really made me sad to put a number to it. to quantify, if you will, the amount of time i spent—and am still spending—rebuilding myself after that relationship.

i should clarify. i’m over the relationship. waaaay over it. sadly, in the six years we were together, i think we were both over the relationship in the first year. like the lyric says, we had “a lot of everything, but no love”.

and by everything, i mean that we tried to check a lot of the “grown-up couple” boxes. got a place, got a car, got a dog. we just didn’t love each other. i ended up leaving without a fight. didn’t want the place. didn’t need the car. didn’t think it’d be fair to take the dog. none of it was worth the additional… time.

after six years, i just wanted it behind me.

and that’s always been me. i’m a rip the band-aid kind of ex.

but the breakup(s)—that’s what i’m rebuilding from. rediscovering my independence. getting used to sleeping alone. having to take out the trash myself. having to make dinners alone. having to do the laundry and the folding.

and yes, to my friend’s point, rebuilding my credit.

i feel like the harder part has been keeping myself from filling that void with someone else—with anyone else. sure, i had a few of those “fillers” immediately following our split. and then again immediately following my dad’s death. but i generally knew those wouldn’t stick. and they weren’t supposed to. i rotated them out as quickly as i rotated them in.

the real challenge has always been in finding… love. because when you’re so used to having “a lot of everything, but no love”, believe me when i say it often crosses my mind what would have happened if i gave up the “everything” to follow the “love”.

and i could have.

i just didn’t.