“i think it’s time to kill for our women… time to heal our women… be real to our women”

 

today marked a historic and amazing day for our country. for our country’s women. actually, even for women all around the world—hundreds of countries and millions of people supporting the fight for women’s rights. still. in 2017.

and i spent the entire weekend at home, feeling almost hypocritical—feeling like less of a woman because i wasn’t out there. because i didn’t physically participate in any of the nearby marches.

there were many reasons i didn’t go, some of them more solid than others, but as i watched highlights from many of the events (through social media, mostly), i was so proud to be a woman. and even though i didn’t “represent” for women today, i’ll have to tomorrow. and the day after. and the ones after that for as long as i’m alive.

but i’m excited to do that more than ever. because it matters. because it affects me. because it affects you.

shout-out to all the women who represented in some way, shape, or form today.

this was not just an event. this is a lifestyle.

“i tried with you… there’s more to life than sleeping in and getting high with you…”

…i had to let go of us to show myself what i can do
…but that just didn’t sit right with you
…and now you’re trying to make me feel a way
…on purpose

[by the way, i know this track is drake’s, but chance’s cover is the one that inspired this post.]

today is thanksgiving. and i’m not gonna lie, in the weeks leading up to this day, i felt a lot of things… except thankful.

i’ve had a rough year—no, i’ve had a rough three years. i got fed up with trying so hard to make it look like i’ve had all my shit together. like i had everything under control.

for the sake of everyone else.

i lost a lot of people in the last three years—via breakups, death, and stupid shit. even worse, i nearly lost myself.

earlier this year, i realized i was tired.

tired of carrying the weight of other people’s problems…
their unhappiness
their mistakes
their insecurities
their anger
their irresponsibility
their lies
their broken promises…
their selfishness

so, i put myself on a timeout. i just needed to reset. i needed to detox from all the negativity—to free myself of the things that were so heavy on my heart and mind. i stopped seeing friends. i cut off all the guys i was involved with. and i distanced myself from my family. i even hopped of social media.

for my own sake.

the truth is, so much of me is broken… i’m not whole. and i haven’t been for three years. i’ve been working on it, but there’s still a lot ahead of me.

but in the spirit of this holiday, i know i still have plenty to be thankful for. even in 2016. and if you’ve spent any time with me this year, that’s not a perspective i’ve really been embracing. i’ve been over 2016. soooooo over it.

i realized, though, that complaining about it makes me bitter and not better. and that’s where i want to go. i need to go… better. and i have to do it now. i don’t have to wait until 2017.

i’m better than i was three years ago. i’m better than yesterday. and i’ll be better tomorrow. and i’m so grateful for that, i am.

in the meantime, here are a few reminders (for myself) i’ve picked up from this journey and some of the things i’m especially grateful for.

FRIENDSHIPS—what i’ve learned:

  • don’t just be a “good times” friend… it’s the “bad times” friends that make the difference when it matters most.
  • be the friend that is present. and by that, i mean when you’re together, really be present. put your phone away and be there.
  • be open to forgiving—no one is perfect. no one will do right by you 100% of the time. forgiving someone is not weakness.
  • be open to forgiveness—you are not perfect. own up to your mistakes. say sorry. be willing to let your friends know their worth.

FRIENDSHIPS—what i’m thankful for:

  • reconnecting with friends and rebuilding those relationships
  • disconnecting from unhealthy relationships
  • forgiving
  • forgiveness

RELATIONSHIPS—what i’ve learned:

  • your past is your past—stop dwelling in it. also, stop re-living it.
  • there’s nothing wrong with not wanting what everyone else has—or thinks they have.
  • as the lyrics say, “i had to let go of us to show myself what i can do”—and it’s okay to choose you.
  • be happy. genuinely. and god, please make sure you’re happy alone before you try to be happy together.
  • don’t let anyone else tell you when you’re ready.

RELATIONSHIPS—what i’m thankful for:

  • old things… & closure
  • new things… & curiosity
  • rediscovering who i am after practically 16 years of back-to-back relationships
  • not needing a relationship
  • not wanting a relationship (yet)

FAMILY—what i’ve learned:

  • you can’t make everyone happy all of the time. stop trying so damn hard.
  • you can’t—and shouldn’t—feel responsible for financially supporting others.
  • your actions should reflect what you say—everyone who hears you talk also sees you walk.
  • when you’re angry or upset, pause. it’s okay not to react immediately all the time.

FAMILY—what i’m thankful for:

  • change
  • distance
  • understanding

and the process goes on… and on. but that’s the point—this is what it looks like to do me.

and i’m thankful for that. and for you.