“sometimes it gets too much… a lot of everything, but no love… just too much… that’s how two hearts crush”

my timehop app reminded me today that the ex and i met on this day ten years ago. my co-worker (and close friend) responded, “and your credit has never been the same since!”

it was the funniest—yet realest—shit i’d heard in a long time. 100% on point.

deep down, though, it really made me sad to put a number to it. to quantify, if you will, the amount of time i spent—and am still spending—rebuilding myself after that relationship.

i should clarify. i’m over the relationship. waaaay over it. sadly, in the six years we were together, i think we were both over the relationship in the first year. like the lyric says, we had “a lot of everything, but no love”.

and by everything, i mean that we tried to check a lot of the “grown-up couple” boxes. got a place, got a car, got a dog. we just didn’t love each other. i ended up leaving without a fight. didn’t want the place. didn’t need the car. didn’t think it’d be fair to take the dog. none of it was worth the additional… time.

after six years, i just wanted it behind me.

and that’s always been me. i’m a rip the band-aid kind of ex.

but the breakup(s)—that’s what i’m rebuilding from. rediscovering my independence. getting used to sleeping alone. having to take out the trash myself. having to make dinners alone. having to do the laundry and the folding.

and yes, to my friend’s point, rebuilding my credit.

i feel like the harder part has been keeping myself from filling that void with someone else—with anyone else. sure, i had a few of those “fillers” immediately following our split. and then again immediately following my dad’s death. but i generally knew those wouldn’t stick. and they weren’t supposed to. i rotated them out as quickly as i rotated them in.

the real challenge has always been in finding… love. because when you’re so used to having “a lot of everything, but no love”, believe me when i say it often crosses my mind what would have happened if i gave up the “everything” to follow the “love”.

and i could have.

i just didn’t.