Category: Love

“last night i gave my heart to a fake one…”


four months.

i gave myself an extra week after my last post which was just prior to my dad’s death anniversary. i thought an extra week would give me time to do whatever it is my mind and body does at this time of the year.

four months.

but here i am. i made it. and ironically, i had to be couped up on a plane for 5 hours on my way to the opposite coast before i even considered writing something down. i mean, there’s only so much in-flight trivia one can play.

the last four months have been busy—externally, anyway. my schedule has been insane. i’ve been going to at least one show per week, proving only that i still have a few years in me. i feel old. i feel like i don’t fit in. but it also feels… familiar.

on mother’s day, i was having lunch with my mom and, as usual, we had an in-depth conversation about my dating status—or, in my case, why i’ve opted not to date for over a year now. i told her that i had spent time reflecting back on my last 4 back-to-back relationships and i felt like i couldn’t distinguish the things i enjoyed vs the things i maybe did just for the sake of my partner.

did i actually like muscle cars? or was that just a result of dating a guy who was part of a mustang car club immediately followed by a relationship with a guy who was part of a camaro car club? did i like rap shows and vinyl? or was that part of being “with the dj“? did i enjoy fishing or did i just like spending that time with my partner? i’m sure it sounds like i should have known the answers to those questions. maybe it should have been obvious. but i felt conflicted. sixteen consecutive years in relationships… who the fuck had i evolved into? and more importantly, how far astray is that person from who was i sixteen years ago?

in the same manner, after my last relationship, i focused entirely on my dad and my family. the kids became my life. their interests became mine. i stopped going to rap shows and started taking them to pop shows. i prioritized watching family movies over my usual action and superhero flicks. my weekend vegas trips turned into disneyland trips.

this year, i made a commitment to myself to try and rediscover who i am. today. what do i love? what makes me happy?

my mom basically told me that she’d seen me flip flop like this and she was happy that i was working on finding… joy.

go to your rap shows!,” she exclaimed. indeed, mom, i will. and i have.

i feel like i need to figure out these things—that being the things that make me happy—before i jump into my “something next“.

i strongly feel that the best version of myself is within reach.

i’m almost there. i’m almost ready for you.

stay woke, i’m coming.